anxiety

School.

Ugh I know that it is only tuesday but this week has already been the most stressful! I have so many tests and quizes and papers! due 😦 plus i still need to finish driving hours, get my lisence, take an SAT course, take the SATs, take midterms next week. I just need support :/ plus my 4 page paper is due thursday and I have a paragraph. a paragraph. done UGHHH junior year is so stressful.

Suicide.

Ugh, so today I went to a wake. I still live in the same neighborhood that I was born in, actually I moved up the street but my old house still had my grandmother, aunts and cousins. So anyways, when I lived there my brother was friends with this kid two houses over. So when we moved when I was 3, we didn’t really see him anymore. The day after Christmas his brother committed suicide.

I know that this may sound really dumb because I really didn’t know him or his brother. I just, I don’t know, something is just weird and scary about it. I mean you always hear stories and it’s just really weird when it happens so close to home. It’s scary because usually with things like that, you never really think about it happening to people that you know or people that know your family.

I feel so bad for his brother and parents. When I was at the wake a majority of the people there were young kids who were 20 or so because they were his friends or his brothers friends. I can’t imagine going to my friends siblings or even my friends wake, or my brothers for that matter.

I just hope that if any of my friends are feeling depressed or something that they tell me. I’m not really the type of person that is good at giving advice, unless it is a tough love situation, because I don’t really know what I want to hear in certain situations so how am I suppose to help other people? But anyways, I’ll always listen and try to help if I can, even if that means I need to send you to talk to someone else. I just think that a lot of people make the mistake when they don’t know how to help, to keep trying to help, when they are not really helping at all. It’s better to admit that you can’t help the person and take them to someone else that can help then basically doing nothing.

So pay attention to the people around you and if they need help then help to provide it for them in the right way, even if that means admitting that you can’t help because that is helping them to get the help that they need quicker.

I might delete this post later but I don’t know, I needed to vent because it was a really scary thing to happen and this Christmas vacation so many people have died or gone to the hospital. Ugh. I hope everyone else had a great holiday vacation.

Not a normal welcome to 2015 post

Hey, I know everyone says about making the new year theirs, having all of these unrealistic expectations of what they want to happen in 2015. So they tell people their hopes and dreams for the new year, hoping that the people they tell will help them to accomplish everything that they just poured their hearts out about. Up until that point, most people have determination, until that moment after they pour their hearts out because, unfortunately, those people entrusted with those thoughts break down all of that hope the person built up and at that point all the hope, happiness and such just vanishes because someone tells them that they can’t.

Who, besides you, is to say that you can’t do something? No one. People will always tell you that you can’t do something when you really can’t. EVERYONE is afraid that the people around them will be more successful then they are. Don’t let them win, don’t let them set limits on your life. Just because they want to sit back and do nothing does not mean that you have to sit there with them.

Also, don’t be that person holding other people back. Help them, because when that is you, you will want the help.

Border line claustrophobia?

Ugh is there such a thing? because in crowds i just have such an urge to leave and once i get to a space without people i feel like i can breathe. but at the same time im not freaking out i just get wicked mad at people for stopping or standing in the way and i feel like i need to leave /: ugh

people. be nice to people that you meet because you don’t know what is going on in their life or even at that very moment. also. WATCH WHERE U ARE GOING because im a shover if you are being an idiot while walking/standing

Trust?

Huh, it’s weird… they say infants learn trust vs mistrust in their first year of
life. I mean, I use to trust people and I use to be an open book, but I’m not anymore, I don’t know when that changed and that scares me. I mean there are people I should clearly trust and I can’t, I won’t let myself. I no longer have the urge to tell people everything or what I’m feeling or thinking. Part of me doesn’t want other people to know. Maybe it is because there are some things in my life even I don’t want to know about. I’m sure I’ll have more later but for now goodnight.
xoxo

Numb?

November 11, 2014

Does anyone else ever get the feeling of no feeling? As though nothing matters yet the littlest thing will set you off with anger that you didn’t really realize that you had? Everyone around you gets annoyed with you because they think you’re “in a mood” or just being a bitch? In reality it’s just the opposite… it’s like an out of body experience, as though you’re watching yourself and everything that is happening to you but it doesn’t phase you, just makes you sadder and number. People who haven’t felt this don’t know what it feels like so they just say “get out of the mood” but you physically can’t and no one understands.